My Money Story

S0o0o much resistance in writing this down!

My money story is all tangled up in worth and deservedness.

I remember first noticing money around age six or seven. Christmas mornings felt extravagant, gifts piled high under the tree, most of them for me, the golden only child. Visiting friends’ houses, I saw how different their lives looked. There weren't as many gifts for them or maybe, there was no tree/holiday decorations on display. I learned early not to invite people over during the holidays, never saying this aloud, just making a conscious note to myself. I didn’t want to be seen as spoiled by some point in elementary school. Somehow, I internalized that to be spoiled was not good and I wouldn't fit in.

My second self-vow: I would do everything possible not to be that spoiled, bratty, entitled only child.

The truth is, we were upper middle class as I was brought up from 1990 to 2008. My dad was a city policeman who became a captain and my mom, a teacher who became a guidance counselor. Both had master’s degrees and stayed committed to their careers for decades. They've been married my whole life - over 35 years. We traveled abroad multiple times a year, I was often able to bring a friend on those trips, inevitably we got a timeshare and stayed in Marriott's. We lived in an old, yet absolutely fabulous Victorian home, where my parents still live, mortgage free.

I remember that about twice a month, a wonderful woman came to clean the house. Sometimes my mom would spend that whole day cleaning parallel to her or working on the landscaping/gardening - I recall that when Hilina came over, it would be a cleaning day for the household. My parents hired Hilina's husband for contracting work every so often or asked for referrals.

To me this felt innately right; communal.

Still, I never spoke about the fact that we had someone helping us clean our house of only 3 people. If any of my friends happened to pop by during cleaning day, I'd ask to be allowed to leave for a few hours and return to the rest later so that no one would really see.

Oh the stories I concocted about if they see this, then I'll be ostracized ...

Our home was full and free. I hosted countless parties and sleepovers, always with my parents’ permission because honestly they were very cool! My friends and I would just either fully occupy the basement or the backyard and truly, my parents rarely came down to check on us with the sole intention of mistrusting what we were up to. So, I didn't really give my parents much reason not to trust me. I was left wanting for nothing because most of the time I was honest and upfront; so our relationships were typically smooth.

Friends were always welcome for dinner on any given night, they didn't have to give advance notice. The house was open, inviting, abundant. It's how I'll always remember growing up there.

And yet, somehow, the way I internalized it all has been totally warped. Just, inside out.

In 20/20 hindsight with an adult perspective, I know that my parents only gave me what any parent wants to give their child: a solid foundation.

They gave me the gift of a 90% unworried upbringing. Because while money doesn’t create happiness, it does create ease. It buys time freedom. It reduces stress. It allows for convenience.

Somewhere along the line, in around middle school, I began to silently and subconsciously repent for my privilege. And that silent repentance bled into every corner of my life, up until now.

In high school, when I lost my first best friend to my first friendship-divorce, I then gravitated toward friends from much more varied backgrounds. The privilege-guilt started to really settle in by this point, even if I couldn’t name it then.

To mask the guilt, I became a martyr.

I was the first in my crew to get a car, so I drove everyone, everywhere. I was the default designated driver, the safe one, the responsible one. Parents trusted me. Friends leaned on me. And I leaned into responsibility as if it was the tax I had to pay for what I’d been given.

I felt important and that this was the way I'd earn my privilege.

If I got a big monetary gift, I'd siphon off some of it to a friend that I felt needed it, so that I wouldn't be consumed by guilt. I remember I got some funds from a family member and turned right around to buy my friend a new pair of sneakers as a gift. Huh?

My parents paid for my college tuition, as they'd planned to, so I graduated debt free. For the most part, I always kept this information strictly to myself since mostly everyone I knew was riddled in debt. I didn’t have to work while at school, but I pushed myself to take as many AP classes in high school as I could in order to collect at least a semesters' worth of university credits. I was able to snag a little over a semester's worth and graduated early from the U of Maryland, always looking for ways to lessen the burden I imagined I was.

I studied abroad on Semester at Sea, traipsing the globe for a full semester while living on a cruise ship taking university classes. I hosted a going away party before I left as a fundraiser; I was so nervous to deplete that $3K I raised from friends and family. So nervous to need to ask my parents for more money while on a trip of an absolute lifetime. I feel that I truly became the Viki's All Work No Play persona, while on that voyage. Of the $3K, I came home with $2K and then began to save save save every penny I'd make. I missed out then and continued to miss out on amazing experiences that cost money, because I was nervous to have to ask for more.

Even though my parents never made me feel these ways, I carried it anyway. I just thought, I was doing us all a service. By being responsible Viki.

Here are some great questions to inspire you, from Girlboss:

• What was the feeling about money like in the home where you grew up?

• What was the feeling like about spending money?

• What was the feeling like about saving money?

• What was the feeling like about giving money away?

• What’s your earliest money memory?

• What messages did your mother pass down to you about money? (Note: messages are different than lessons like how to balance a checkbook.)

• What messages did your father pass down to you about money?

• Do you remember hearing your parents talk about (or fight about) money?

• Growing up, did you have more than/less than/about the same as your peers?